Pleasant Surprises (^.^)

Today was SASC second kick-it. After it was over, I was walking down Sproul when I ran into someone I haven't seen in a long time. I was wearing contacts and it was dark-ish, a combination that makes distant figures difficult to identify, and yet I was able to recognized this person just from the vague outline of his figure. I walked him home do I could drop off some stuff at his place that I was meaning to return to him anyway, and while walking, we talked. It was mostly catching up, some small talk, and a few moments of awkward silence. But somehow, that silence made me kinda happy. It allowed me to just enjoy walking with him and remember the old days. But I know that despite me being okay with the awkwardness... I wasn't sure how he felt. I'm still not sure how he feels about me. There may be a very likely chance he dislikes me a lot and distrusts me, but he is nice to me nonetheless. He is just generally a very nice person. I don't think he could treat anyone unkindly, even if he did not like them. That makes figuring out the situation difficult for me.

I genuinely miss him. That's a fact. Just seeing him again makes me smile uncontrollably. And having him in front of me gives me the biggest urge to hug and squeeze him. But I know I shouldn't do that. He would probably feel really uncomfortable about that. Actually, I don't know how he would feel. I'm not sure how he thinks of me. Therefore, the hugs I give him as tactfully restricted to just quick, light hugs one would typically get... no bear hugs :( It is rather odd... all the feelings I feel when I see him. I don't fully understand them. If I were to try to describe them, I would say that I feel... awkward, tense, distant, and overly cautious, yet I also feel happy, grateful, and nostalgic all at the same time. He awakes dormant feelings I wasn't aware I was keeping. And all the while, I try to play it cool and calm.

It's horrible. When I see him, I always feel ashamed. Most of the regrets I have to this day all deal with this guy. I have treated him so poorly that I'm surprised he doesn't try to keep 30 feet away from me when I'm around. I wouldn't blame him if he tried to shot me for all the mean things I've said and terrible things I've done. But when I see him, I try not to think of those depressing times, and just enjoy the happy memories and present moment. Its difficult to completely ignore all the bad stuff though. I know there is still tension. Its pulls...

I wish I saw him more. The whole time walking with him, I wanted to ask him if he would like to grab a beer and chat or something. I would like to hang out with him like that sometime. But the truth of the matter is... I don't know where I stand with him and how he views me. I hope one day, the tension will be gone and we can be good friends. I do still care for him and appreciate how greatly he has impacted my own life. Without him, I would be a very different person. Running into him today, despite the slight awkwardness, was truly a pleasant surprise.

Another pleasant surprise... Ryan Quan video chatting with me for a little bit before he went to sleep. It was a little notion that meant a lot to me. I love the randomness and small things that say "I'm your friend." But ewww I don't like how my skin problems look worse on webcam. gosh >.< Anyway,  Ryan is definitely a dear friend that I adore. Thanks for the love, man.