All I Wanna Do is Love

"All I wanna do is take away all the miles we could feel between us
Cause I miss you every morning I wake
Baby I miss you more and more each day
But every night I still could feel the power
Of your heart beat, cause ain't no love like ours
So hold on for me cause I'm incomplete without you baby"

Practice Image 1

Its a little too dramatic. The extraction is a bit messy. And it looks super grainy. Oh wells. I'm going to sleep now and I doubt I'll work on this anymore. But do expect a few more pictures to come from this same photo shoot session I did after VSA Banquet. Self-portrait: Imethus.

Tina Ngo

This is a friend of mine, Tina Ngo, singing "Whistle for the Choir" by the Fratellis. I love her voice. She is an amazing womyn too. Super smart. Super funny. And dang... she loves all the things I love... fish, anime, games, our hystory, teaching, so good. If I was straight... I would sooo be in love love with her. Anyway, check out this video. Another friend of mine, Suny Um, took the video. Props to him too :)

ONLY GIRL

My current favorite song... literally on repeat whenever I guess the chance to play music. I'm pretty sure my roommates are sick of the song like... since a few days ago. It hasn't been a full week yet and I've played it 222 times already lol.

 

Jake Shimabukuro

I was in Pegasus Book Store on Shattuck today looking at magazines and comics, and I was contemplating if i should buy the fall 2010 Hypen magazine (http://www.hyphenmagazine.com/). On the cover there was a picture of Jake Shimabukuro with a tagline saying "Ukulele Sensation". I thought that was very peculiar because I never heard of a ukulele star. Then I saw a youtube link to one of his performances on my friend's gchat status. Thanks Larry for sharing :)

I have a funny story about Bohemian Rhapsody. I was blasting my Queen cd at my donut shop one day. It was a very slow day, so why not blast it. I went to the back section so I can dance and be ridiculous. I started trying to learn the lyrics. So here I was blasting Bohemian and singing on the top of my lungs...
I really tried to get into the mood for the second section, the mama part. For some reason, that is my favorite part and it really strikes a chord in my soul.

"MAMA... I JUST KILLED A MAN
Put a GUN against his HEAD
Pulled my trigger, now he's dead
MAMA... LIFE HAS JUST BEGUN
But now I've gone and thrown it all away
MAMA... OHHHHHHH
Didn't mean to make you CRY ...."

Somewhere around this part... maybe the "ohhohhhohhh" part, I heard giggling. Hella shocked me! I was like "OMG THERES PEOPLE HERE. How embarassing. arggg"
I lowered the volume to the stereo and went into the serving section of my donut shop and saw two or three girls laughing. They were really, really amused. I asked them how long they been there, and they said they were there for awhile.
UGHHHH how utterly embarassing. My singing is TERRIBLE fyi. I just like to do it anyway when im alone.
I apologized for making them wait. They said it was cool and complimented me on my passionate singing (I was really getting into it -.-)

Anyway... embarassing story over. Here is the video of Jake Shimabukuro performing Bohemian Rhapsody. Its soo good!

In the Middle by Kazaky

 Another song that really got me on my heels. The song wasn't my thing at first, especially the weird screaming thing, but I really like the voguing dancing in the video. And after a while, everything was good to me. :)

Dirty Talk & Lyrics {Plus My Commentary}

(Chorus)
I am no angel
I like it when you do that stuff to me
I am no angel
I like it when you talk [talk], dirty when you talk [talk]

[Dirty Talk]


Kitten Heels {nope}, Lingerie {maybe in the future :P},
Pantyhose {danced in them but not sex}, Foreplay {Love it},
Legs up {yup}, on the bar {danced half naked on a bar},
in the back of your car {and the front ^.^},
latex {you should always use protection}, champagne {i had red wine but not champagne},
bubble bath {no, but that sounds fun!}, whipped cream {sounds even more fun},
cherry pop tag team {i don't know what that means actually},
can you make me scream {I'll try my best :P}

I wanna do some dirty things to you tonight,
I wanna fight, all through the night, night, night

(Chorus) (x1)
[Dirty Talk]

Blindfold {that was super fun!}, feather bed {sounds expensive},
tickle me {tickling usually leads to sex lol}, slippery {yes},
G spot {P spot}, nasty pose {I try to be fresh},
in a video {-.- video phone, not my idea},
love machine {like toys? yea i guess}, by myself {of course, and with an audience},
climax {hopefully every time}, hot wax {nope}
S&M {nope, but not opposed}, on the floor {yup}, i like it hardcore {heck yea}

I wanna do some dirty things to you tonight,
I wanna fight, all through the night, night, night....

(Chorus) (x2)
[Dirty Talk]

Can you go down {Yes},
Are you up for it {Yes}, Baby
Can you turn me out {what does that mean?}, are you up for it {i guess}

talk to me..talk to me..
talk dirty to me.. talk dirty to me (x2)
[Dirty Talk]

(Chorus) (x2)[Dirty Talk]

Update:
They made a new video which I like less than the awesome magical dryad video, but this link should work still.

Wanted: Earplugs

Dear Neighbors Above Me,

Could you stop raping people and blasting loud porn of girls squealing through your surround sound and pretending like you have mad sex every few days. If you are, good for you, but I don't want to hear every detail. Also invest in a newer bed to that doesn't creak so much.

And could you stop having loud angry mafia phone calls in whatever loud language you speak. Please stop yelling everyday in general... I'm pretty sure whoever you are talking to can hear you just fine in indoor voices. I always feel like someone is getting beat up and dying above me. And I'm pretty sure you should see a therapist for your anger problems. There's some resources available on and around campus.

And i dont see why you have to have your stereos blasting music like its an effin dance party before noon! And all the furniture moving... must you rearrange daily? If you must, at least pick that effin shit up and stop dragging it across the effin floor. 

Much Appreciated,
The Pissed Cambodian Below You

P.S. - A side note to the girls effin these guys, could you like... stop with the cheesy straight porn sounds. Its really gross.

Fish

I was talking to a friend of mine about fish tonight. Wow its so crazy to converse about an interest that we are both so passion about. We both know a lot about fish keeping... however she actually follows the rules where I don't >.<

I hope to see her room soon. I hear she has several fish tanks! How exciting :)

Self Protraits

Because I'm weird... really really weird... strange... deranged... queer...

Actually, I did want to say something meaningful. Originally I was going to name this blog "Privacy, The Personal Censorship" To me, the title makes a lot of sense, but its not the easiest thing to explain. But I will try my best.

Let me first talk about music. I know, I know. The huge pictures are distracting... probably making you uncomfortable or maybe too comfortable :P But bare with me. First thing: MUSIC... For me, my tastes in music seems dependent upon my location and my surrounding folks. I had a wide-ish range of music I think. My itunes includes 90s, R&B, pop, dance, Kpop, Jpop, Khmer songs, Viet songs, Hmong songs, Chinese Songs, classical, contemporary classical, classic rock, metal, alternative, punk, folk, disney, anime music scores, musicals, and more. Yikes, reading my blog will probably teach you how to skim read >.<

Anyway, if I'm in Los Banos, I will be more inclined to listen to music that my friend, Allan, plays on his radio and the various rocks that I was introduced to during my years in high school, such as Queen, Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Nirvana, Muse, Dream Theater, Flyleaf, Velvet Revolver, Incubus, etc. However, within the confines of the walls of my parents walls and the donut shop, I will be more incline to actually listen to Khmer music... the classic Khmer oldies of course and a lot of dance music (because I like to dance naked when I'm home alone). With my gay friends, I listen a lot of musicals, dance, house, and asian pop. This is also the same music I prefer to dance to at clubs (minus the musicals). But when I'm with my straight friends, I like their tastes in general pop music, hip-hop, top 40, and indie. The house parties definitely plays a playlist of hiphop and top 40 and hyphe music.

A lot of it is situational, but I also identify music with a certain space. So even, if I'm listening to rock in my apartment in Berkeley, I will still feel a little bit of Los Banos -ness around me. 90s music brings me back to Ohio and my childhood. Khmer music brings me back to the times my mom blasted the Khmer music hella loud so she can hear it while she was in the bathroom, and of course the Khmer party and karaokes.

So whats the point? What does all this music stuff mean? Well, music isn't the only aspect of my life that I feel like is regional and situational. A lot of my photos on facebook are from my college life. Those photos, I'm mostly comfortable with my friends seeing. A lot of my family like my parents and uncles probably wouldn't understand the life I lead in college. But thankfully most of those that fall into that group aren't too facebook savvy. However with my queer friends, I'm a little more... shameless one could say. There's a lot of photos I would feel completely fine with showing my queer friends, but I would be a little embarrassed putting on facebook because I might be perceived as narcissistic, vain, awkward, or creepy.  I don't think Im any of those. I'm just misunderstood :P

I find it interesting how I am not willing to post these photos on facebook, yet I am fine with posting them on queer social networks. This is where the original title "Privacy: the Personal Censorship" should make sense. My privacy does not deals with what I keep to myself, but rather keeping things from certain regions and groups of people. Its feels like I censor my life to groups of people who I do not think can understand. I don't think many could understand how I can be comfortable with dancing half naked in front of hundreds of people for example.

I truly do not believe its because I'm vain. I'm not vain. I'm actually very self conscious of my body. I don't like my skin problems. It feels like I'm fight a war with my face. And I think my chest and arms are too small. Dancing next to big buff guys makes me feel a little more insignificant on stage. But I do what I do because I love to perform. There's something indescribable when I perform, like my soul is on fire...

 

Actually, all of these photos of me comes from me trying to learn photography. Human subjects are my favorite subjects. But I want more than the casual peace sign and smile portraits. I want ART. Bodies warping. Light intensifying. I want the PERFORMANCE. I want the stillness to move and dance. I don't think my photography is there yet, nor are my modeling skills. I'm still learning slowly.

Today, I'm sharing my risque photos with the world, because I don't think I should censor myself anymore. Art should not be censored. If its not understood, that not my problem. It's not a problem at all. Not all arts and performances are understood. But hopefully, someone can see the fire that burns in my heart when I perform and make art. This is my art. Thus the new title: "Self Protraits"

Pleasant Surprises (^.^)

Today was SASC second kick-it. After it was over, I was walking down Sproul when I ran into someone I haven't seen in a long time. I was wearing contacts and it was dark-ish, a combination that makes distant figures difficult to identify, and yet I was able to recognized this person just from the vague outline of his figure. I walked him home do I could drop off some stuff at his place that I was meaning to return to him anyway, and while walking, we talked. It was mostly catching up, some small talk, and a few moments of awkward silence. But somehow, that silence made me kinda happy. It allowed me to just enjoy walking with him and remember the old days. But I know that despite me being okay with the awkwardness... I wasn't sure how he felt. I'm still not sure how he feels about me. There may be a very likely chance he dislikes me a lot and distrusts me, but he is nice to me nonetheless. He is just generally a very nice person. I don't think he could treat anyone unkindly, even if he did not like them. That makes figuring out the situation difficult for me.

I genuinely miss him. That's a fact. Just seeing him again makes me smile uncontrollably. And having him in front of me gives me the biggest urge to hug and squeeze him. But I know I shouldn't do that. He would probably feel really uncomfortable about that. Actually, I don't know how he would feel. I'm not sure how he thinks of me. Therefore, the hugs I give him as tactfully restricted to just quick, light hugs one would typically get... no bear hugs :( It is rather odd... all the feelings I feel when I see him. I don't fully understand them. If I were to try to describe them, I would say that I feel... awkward, tense, distant, and overly cautious, yet I also feel happy, grateful, and nostalgic all at the same time. He awakes dormant feelings I wasn't aware I was keeping. And all the while, I try to play it cool and calm.

It's horrible. When I see him, I always feel ashamed. Most of the regrets I have to this day all deal with this guy. I have treated him so poorly that I'm surprised he doesn't try to keep 30 feet away from me when I'm around. I wouldn't blame him if he tried to shot me for all the mean things I've said and terrible things I've done. But when I see him, I try not to think of those depressing times, and just enjoy the happy memories and present moment. Its difficult to completely ignore all the bad stuff though. I know there is still tension. Its pulls...

I wish I saw him more. The whole time walking with him, I wanted to ask him if he would like to grab a beer and chat or something. I would like to hang out with him like that sometime. But the truth of the matter is... I don't know where I stand with him and how he views me. I hope one day, the tension will be gone and we can be good friends. I do still care for him and appreciate how greatly he has impacted my own life. Without him, I would be a very different person. Running into him today, despite the slight awkwardness, was truly a pleasant surprise.

Another pleasant surprise... Ryan Quan video chatting with me for a little bit before he went to sleep. It was a little notion that meant a lot to me. I love the randomness and small things that say "I'm your friend." But ewww I don't like how my skin problems look worse on webcam. gosh >.< Anyway,  Ryan is definitely a dear friend that I adore. Thanks for the love, man.

Funny how the unexpected happens...

like someone getting shaved by someone else in my room with an audience of three other guys... random shit

Do you trust yourself?

At VSA Retreat earlier this week, I reflected over some pretty deep thoughts. During the infamous trust walk, a soothing voice asked me, "Do you trust yourself?"

Honestly, I don't know if I do. I haven't thought about it directly, only tangent thoughts. And from those thoughts, I feel like I can't trust myself. I have disappointed myself in so many ways and continuously live in a state of seeking. Not that soul seeking is a bad thing, but sometimes I feel like I went about it in the wrong ways, ways that have many repercussions, ways that disappoint people close to me. I have let myself give up in the military, in the sciences, in academics, and in any solid future plan that I once had.
Of all the characteristics attributed to the sign Aquarius, the one I am certain describes me is the characteristic "unconventional." And being this unconventional oddball has made me make decisions that aren't easily understood by others, and thus I have hurt them or disappointed them. And by hurting them and letting them down, I have let myself down.

Another question I heard during retreat was "What is something you regret?"
When I hear "regret," I instantly think of John Viet and all the ways I have hurt him. If I could go back in time just once to do things differently, I would go back to the beginning of college, so I can do my academics differently and do things right by John. I said many untrue and terrible things to him just to push him away during that regretful November. And when "sunblock" happened, I'm sure I disappointed many people, lost the respect of John, and many would not understand how someone could love two people at the same time. Again, my unconventional mind gets me into trouble and yet despite all the trouble and heartache I encountered myself and caused others, I can genuinely say that I still care enough for two men to say I love two people at the same time. And if I share a life with both of them at the same time, I would.  Two years passed and yet my love is still there.
And still I can't exactly open myself to others in terms of love. Yea, I may go on dates and whatnot, but I can never let myself have feelings for anyone other than my two ex's. Every opportunity feels like cheating on my unrequited love. I have hurt more guys from this, misleading guys when I know I can't emotionally reciprocate. I'm finding myself more and more unable to handle situations of affection. I can honestly say I do not trust myself with the affairs of love.

Academically, I have let down parents down. In Ohio, I tried my best to get straight A's and make my parents proud. I would study hard and do homework all night. I never cheat or copied anything. I was proving to myself that I can be the smart and successful  individual that my parents wanted me to be. However, with plans to move to California, my life took an upsetting turn. I fought with my mom. Words never were so violent as this time in my life. I lost respect for my parents for a long while. And on top of that, I constantly saw the lack of motivation in fellow high school students, which have infected my motivation as well. I lost my ambition and focus for the future, and redirected my aspirations for living in the now. I saw change as inevitable, so paid less attention to the future. My academics were never as good since I moved to California. I find studying difficult to do, my attention span short, and my ambition depleted. I don't know what I want to do. I gave up on sciences and then I gave up on academics in general. I resorted to art, the one thing I knew wasn't plummeting in ambition; however I still lack the focus and drive. My current state of "soul searching" is mostly a state of searching for ambition, drive, and focus. And as easy as that may sound, its has been terribly difficult for me in my demoralized and semi-nihilistic state.
Being an art major has been really disappointing to my parents. Every time I go home, they express their disdain for such a major, alluding to the struggles my cousins that also pursued art and suggesting that I go into something medical. In reality, I would do something different other than art... if I wasn't so doubtful in my performance in other areas of academia. Now, I feel lost as to what I should do. I feel like I wasted to much time already, so I need a pause button.  I feel like I need a new direction or find a surge in my drive in my current direction, so I need a go button. I just need to figure things out for myself. Hopefully this disappointment can be reversed; however at this moment, I am lost and I can't trust myself to be sure of my future or my abilities.

I find myself in a position where the only part of me that I can trust is my abilities to be their for others, though I may not always be completely compassionate, and my ability to be bold and courageous, though that wanes a bit with my own disappointment giving up with the military. Hopefully I will find myself soon and become a better person whom I may trust.

Settling

Sorry, this isn't a note about Settlers of Catan, although that is a wonderful game. 

This is about my inability to settle myself.

I rearranged my room definitely over seven times last year. I know I rearranged it twice last semester and again at the beginning of summer. And those are major rearrangement, with furniture shifting about and everything. Besides those major changes, I do a lot of small changes from time to time. I'll move things on shelves around and reorganize them even though I haven't touch them since the last time I reorganized them. I'll put things up on my walls, decorate this and that, place one thing in relation to another. Then in a few months, I'll take those things down off the walls, move decorations around, throw shit out, etc. My room is like one big art installation, constantly being replaced with a new exhibit. I guess its my way to reflect the changes of time and changes in my mind, how I feel at that current point in time. Its also my curiousity of "How can I make this more efficient?" which I apply to more aspects of my life other than my furniture arrangement.

I also cannot settle with my hair. One day it would be shaved. In a few weeks I have a mowawk. Then shaved again. Then flat top. Then shaved again. Then fauxhawk. Then shaved again. And I'm always experimenting with my hair... seeing if this is new... if that works... and whatnot. Over these past few years, I've had some crazy hair experiments, some of which I'm pretty embarrassed about now. But I'm not to afraid initially of embarrassing myself. Humility is something I embrace rather. But I'm always in search of some change for myself. I cannot settle for a haircut that works and get it over and over again. Maybe its because my hair always manages to grow out into a poofy Asian fro, which I don't like very much.

I just can't get myself to get comfortable. Everything becomes stale to me eventually. After that enormous life altering super humongous change of moving away from Ohio to California, it seems like I just keep on searching for changes, addicted to changes, scared of securely establishing myself... because I was so established in Cleveland... and everything I knew and was comfortable with was ripped away from me in one horrific swoop.

Values in Anime

I've been watching a few anime lately. I've noticed that there is a strange hyper emphasis of values that I don't often think about otherwise. Like HONOR and DESTINY and WILLPOWER and DUTY etc.

All the lovey dovey anime I watch reach into the mind of a particular character, and explore his/her thoughts on destiny and fate. Episodes would go on and on, and the character would spend most of that time wondering if their love was meant to be and if some unseen force would magically bring them together. I guess thats was romanticized anime are about, but does anyone honestly think like these people?

lol Actually I believe they do... as absurd as it sounds. I wonder about if some loves of mine were meant to be. Or I would go through that phase of wondering if he love me or not... Yea, I must say, I'm a believer in fate and destiny... but loosely. If something was meant to happen, it would definitely happen... but nothing is quite fixed. Sometimes you have to work for it too.

I guess my concept of destiny is like one of those "choose-your-own-adventure" books. Depending on what you do and decisions you make, you will hit upon different destiny points in a spider web of fate. You wont hit all the destiny points in the web... but some things are meant to be... and some things arent. Iono how to explain my concept of destiny very well, but if you did understand, then you get 9000 points! :)

Another virtue commonly emphasized in anime is duty, honor, and self-worth. Of course, a lot of these anime revolve around bushido or ninjutsu and the honor system of feudal Japan. But its awfully mystifying to think about people... devoting there lives and energies simply for honor or to maintain their sense of responsibility.

Some people know I joined the army back in high school. Not a lot of people know why. It was actually pretty random. Im full of spontaneity. But one of the driving forces for me to actually really sign a bunch of those military papers and go in for real was the idea of honor. I wasnt in there for money or for a career path, although it probably would have helped me if i did stay in the army in those respects. I wasnt in there for the hot guys or to become some buff soldier. I did it mostly for the idea that i should challenge myself and prove to myself that i am of worth... of honor. Before joining the army, i had a conversation with one of my good friends, Leo Hilken, about why he was enthused about going into the army during such a time when war moral was sooo low and the Bush administration was to be doubted. He explained to me that from a very young age, he aspired one thing and that was honor. I guess that was quite inspiring to me. However, after all that, after graduating basic training and some drill at my unit... i voluntarily outed myself to discharge myself. There were a lot of reasons why i discharged myself, mainly due to a lot of internal strife... conflict with integrity and honor and lying to myself and my identity as a "homosexual".  I felt like i wasnt being honorable hiding myself in the military, yet leaving the army, i felt like a coward and a failure... giving up... and ultimately i still lost honor. Its a self inflicting blow that im still trying to get over. These days, i feel like i need to prove my worth again, but i have not yet found my path to doing so...

Anyway. Anime... more than just cartoons. Its art infused with philosophy and virtue.

P.S. At the moment I'm trying to start Naruto, but one of my favorites of all time is the romantic comedy Maison Ikkoku.

The Simple Things

I just want to take this time... to appreciate another wonderful day in my life.

No I didn't win the lottery, nor did I go on a fancy expensive outing, nor a crazy adventure.
On the contrary, it was a day full of simple things...

Yesterday, I was studying with one of my best friends. We talked.  We joked. We laughed. We wrestled, chased, and fought with each other. Yes, he's stronger than me, but he has always been. And we got food together, offered to pay for each other, ate together... played together and worked together. He smiled. I smiled. Simply put... we spent quality time together.

And time is all I ever wanted. I felt SOOO happy, I felt like Agnes when she got that fluffy unicorn.

 AND he offered me a half eaten peach.
I was super giddy inside.
Yup. That made me happier than it probably should have,
But it made me think of something I read about... a story about Duke Ling, a ruler of the northern-central state of Wei (a Chinese empire) from 534 to 493 B.C. One day, a court official, Mizi Xia, gave Duke Ling a half eaten peach, and Duke Ling was like "How sincere is your love for me! You forget your own appetite and think only of giving me good things to eat!" This story becomes like a common allusion for gay love in Chinese literature I guess. And yea... Chinese hystory is full of funny homosexual leaders. hehehe. Anyway, I probably took the whole thing all wrong, but sharing a peach with me is a kind and cute notion nonetheless. I have such an awesome friend.

(The peach story I got from a book Homosexuality and Civilization by Louis Crompton. I thought I'd include this reference because I did write some of the story word for word.)

Note to self: Don't Initiate.

today is thursday. someone hasnt spoken with me since monday.
it doesnt seem like something for alarm. its only been a few days.
and yet i have been really agitated this entire day because of it.
i think my frustration comes from me fighting myself...
so that i can restrain

i told myself "i will not initiate"
it should not be me that always start conversation.
why not? because i want to see if he even wants to talk to me.
sometimes i feel like the friendship is too heavy to one side.
i want it so bad. he doesnt want it at all.
and so i wait to test him...
will he start to talk to me on his own?

and all the while i keep to myself. waiting is my hell
with my burning desires to talk to him.
i check my chat list to see if he is online often... too often
..and if he is online, i wait.
staring at the green, red, yellow icon beside his name.
anticipating for something that seems unlikely...
for him to say hi to me on his own.
and hours maybe pass while i see this colored icon.
and for those hours i sit patiently in agony.
then the icon fades to gray. he is offline.
sadness overwhelms me. he never said a thing to me.
even while offline i fight with myself
restraining myself from texting him.
the resistance is painful, pretty absurd but it is

here ive gone to torture myself. and only a few days have passed.
im pretty sure he can go much longer than i can without talking to each other.
but hopefully i can find myself in this detachment.
in this waiting, i can start to find that he isnt worth my time.
ive given so much to him. obsessively. time and everything.
time is such a precious thing.
and i feel i waste it away...
worrying. torturing myself. over-analyzing. thinking about what ifs.

sigh.

i must say, i realize that many may think of me as a ridiculous fool.
i sweat the small stuff. make a big deal out of nothing.
but all the nothings means a lot to me.
when he doesnt say he love me, i try to find other reasons why i should even bother
i just wish he showed me that he cares a lot for me on his side of this friendship
because keeping this friendship is such hard work for me
i hope its all worthwhile. but im starting to feel like im in vain.
i know i am a fool. im the biggest fool i know.
and yet, i cant help but to love him so much
for reason i dont even know.
i have loved him painfully
since the first day he kissed me.
so i sit here

waiting for him to say something

Jandra Nam

Hmmm. I guess the typical thing to do on a blog is to talk about your own self. However, ima flip it and talk about other people... Important people in my life. And the very first person has to be of course my sister.

Jandra Nam

Lately you've been so far away

Far in Ohio, Far in South Korea, Far traveling the world, Far in Chicago

Far wherever you may be

But there is that constant reminder

That makes me feel like you are still around, Besides seeing your tweets and facebook news feeds

And that constant reminder is

The Moon

La Luna, Vang Trang, Chantra

Glowing above in the dark sky, Looking down upon me, Watching over me
I think of her every time I see the moon, no joke

Gosh you are so motherly, So protective, So bitchy

But I know you do some of those things because

You just care and you love me

Most of the time hahaha

But yea... you had watched over me

Through all my years growing up

Like a second mother

The one that understood the American culture a little bit more

You were the one that showed me

The music that I love

The fun that we can have here in this new world

The risks that we can take

Being bad and being good can coexist in one person

And for that I am grateful that I have you

You are my sister, my mother, and my friend

All in one

Plus a role model.

Its actually sickening to see how much people love her

Shes the family favorite, The community's favorite, Everybody's ideal daughter

She is kind, She is approachable, She seems to care for everyone

And she knows how to kiss ass lol

Always getting more money than me, More presents, More cherish

Im not jealous really

She deserves it more than I do

I cant stand making conversation with old khmer folks

And I cant speak khmer as fluently nor eloquently

Nor am I willing to approach people the way she does

And she had more chores than I did

Cooking and whatnot everyday

And she is the elder one, which means she gets more by default

But I guess she serves as a good model

Someone I look up to

Someone is always better than me

She is a good person to aspire to be

At least I bet her in grades for the most part :P (in primary school)

 Umm I suppose I end this with memories

She had to babysit me when we were younger

I was probably in third grade or something

And she took me with her friends walking to lord knows where iono

I think we walked to Westlake or something

Through brush and along the side of a road

With her friends that smoked cigarettes

And we got lost, so we walked around for a long time

And then she told me to keep it a secret

Not tell Mom

But somehow Mom found out, and boy did we get in HELLA trouble

lol good times

And another times, when she had boyfriends

I would always have to follow her, and be the awkward third wheel

SUPER AWKWARD

nuff said about that
(not Jasper... but like Chan and the other Cambodian guy, I forgot his name, etc.)

And there was this one time

I threw a metal toy car at her

Because I was shouting her name a billion times

And she was totally ignoring me

But the metal car hit her head

And she started bleeding

Im sure she got stupider from that impact

Gosh I was an evil child

And there was this one time

She was sitting on the recliner end of our white leather sofa

And I went and sat on her

And farted

And then she chased me around the house

And beat me

> . <

And there were those good old days

When we would watch Passions, the soap opera

With Mom

And we would eat on the floor in front of the TV

Watching the video tape 

It automatically recorded the show in the day time

While we were at school and Mom was at work

She would be like

"Oh Miguel is so cute."

And Mom would be like

"Louis is so handsome."

And I would sit there, thinking the same things

But I didnt say those things

Because I wasnt out yet. lol

Oh man, that was serious family bonding

Minus Dad

She got a big party for her sweet sixteen

It was at a hall, with all of the khmer community invited

Live band, dancing, food that everyone's mom helped cook

Hella preparation

And I was like... holy shit

"Do I get a party like this when I turn 16?"

Mom told me no, but to make it up, I will get a big graduation party

Then we moved to California

No big party for high school graduation for me

And I highly doubt I will get one for college graduation

Pooooo

And I suppose I'll share one more memory

I had a big crush on a family friend

For like years.... a really really long time

I cant even explain how long it was for me, 

And how painful dealing with unrequited love and many many awkward moments

Especially when this guy had his girlfriend(s) around at family stuff

Later I found out my sister had a thing with him 

Though however brief or vague it may be

Boy not cool, oh well

And there was this one time
We both were at the donut shop working
I insisted that she taste some milk
It was like the left over milk after you finish a bowl of cereal
It was SOOOO good
And I was bugged her to taste it
She wouldn't and tried to push the milk away
I guess I lost grip of the cup
And the milk spilled all over her computer
Completely destroying it
She had to get another computer :(
Yea I know. Im an annoying younger brother

But some of the best times with my sister

Were the small moments

Just hanging out

:)

Thank Jandra
For being such a wonder part of my life
An amazing sister. Role model. Best woman in my life.
Im hella crying right now by the way thinking about how important you are to me.

spit backwards

june 16th: 16 (16 1s) +0
june 30th: 18 (2 5s, 8 1s) +40
july 14th: 0 (no dance) +20
july 21th: 7 (7 1s) +30

Sad... Again

Today I'm feeling incredibly sad. And whats even more pathetic about it is that its nothing new.

Since Tuesday I have waited... waited till friday to see him. I had to pick some stuff from his place, but i didnt want to go unless he was there. I didnt want to ask his roommates to let me in so i can get the stuff. Why wait for him? Because I haven't seen him in over a month... and he lives like... a ten minute walk away from me. How sad is that... someone who's suppose to be my best friend... wont spare any time in his busy to see me within a month's span... despite my efforts to arrange something numerous times. I know he's busy... and stressed... but seriously how difficult is it to spare an hour to my your best friend happy? Spend a break time with me?... anything for gosh sakes... I told him that its been making me feel like he doesnt care about me anymore... that it seems like he doesnt want to hang out with me... doesnt want to see me... that im not important to him anymore... And he assures me thats not the case... and that hes just super busy... and hes been neglecting everybody... Okay... I forgive him for weeks of neglect and pain...

But here I have a simple errand of picking some stuff up from his place... shouldn't take long... ten minutes of his time at home?... but still... he cant do that... wednesday he has a final and a workshop... thursday he is going home to watch a movie with family and other stuff... friday... he told me he should be at the apt... sooo i waited till friday... just so that i can see him...

Well today is friday... and i texted him when can i come swing by... but he tells me hes in sf getting a new phone... awesome... he needs a new phone... many times his excuse for not texting me back at all is because he never received my texts... but seriously.... last night i was walking the empty streets think... "oh man im sooo excited for tomorrow. I get to see Ban Than for the first time in over a month! i miss him so much."... but like i said... hes in sf

and he tell me... i dont have to wait up for him... that i should just go pick it up anyway... FUCK i dont care about the stupid stuff im picking up!... what i care about is seeing you... I JUST WANT TO FUCKING SEE YOU!... sigh

way to disappoint me... and yet i feel like the stupid one... i saw friday as an appointment... he probably didnt see it as anything... and so he made plans over this appointment... and it reawakens my insecurities about him not wanting to see me... i mean... he hasnt seen me in a month either... doesn't he want to see me?... doesn't he miss me too?... I guess not... if he did miss me, I'd think he would make a better effort to see me... or even show SOME effort to see me... and not be so douchy, flaky on me... and here i am... wanting to cry... over something so small...

maybe im overreacting... but when you beg your best friend to just see each other for ten minutes out of a month... when you live so close to each other... the frustration i feel is extremely painful...

it makes me think... if he really cared... he would at least told me that he had to go to home home so he can get a new phone beforehand... or something... iono... iono why it hurts sooo much... why cant i just understand that hes not home... that its not a big deal... sigh...

or... if he really cared for me... he would... he would.. he would just care

blah...

(hurt point 1)