Do you trust yourself?

At VSA Retreat earlier this week, I reflected over some pretty deep thoughts. During the infamous trust walk, a soothing voice asked me, "Do you trust yourself?"

Honestly, I don't know if I do. I haven't thought about it directly, only tangent thoughts. And from those thoughts, I feel like I can't trust myself. I have disappointed myself in so many ways and continuously live in a state of seeking. Not that soul seeking is a bad thing, but sometimes I feel like I went about it in the wrong ways, ways that have many repercussions, ways that disappoint people close to me. I have let myself give up in the military, in the sciences, in academics, and in any solid future plan that I once had.
Of all the characteristics attributed to the sign Aquarius, the one I am certain describes me is the characteristic "unconventional." And being this unconventional oddball has made me make decisions that aren't easily understood by others, and thus I have hurt them or disappointed them. And by hurting them and letting them down, I have let myself down.

Another question I heard during retreat was "What is something you regret?"
When I hear "regret," I instantly think of John Viet and all the ways I have hurt him. If I could go back in time just once to do things differently, I would go back to the beginning of college, so I can do my academics differently and do things right by John. I said many untrue and terrible things to him just to push him away during that regretful November. And when "sunblock" happened, I'm sure I disappointed many people, lost the respect of John, and many would not understand how someone could love two people at the same time. Again, my unconventional mind gets me into trouble and yet despite all the trouble and heartache I encountered myself and caused others, I can genuinely say that I still care enough for two men to say I love two people at the same time. And if I share a life with both of them at the same time, I would.  Two years passed and yet my love is still there.
And still I can't exactly open myself to others in terms of love. Yea, I may go on dates and whatnot, but I can never let myself have feelings for anyone other than my two ex's. Every opportunity feels like cheating on my unrequited love. I have hurt more guys from this, misleading guys when I know I can't emotionally reciprocate. I'm finding myself more and more unable to handle situations of affection. I can honestly say I do not trust myself with the affairs of love.

Academically, I have let down parents down. In Ohio, I tried my best to get straight A's and make my parents proud. I would study hard and do homework all night. I never cheat or copied anything. I was proving to myself that I can be the smart and successful  individual that my parents wanted me to be. However, with plans to move to California, my life took an upsetting turn. I fought with my mom. Words never were so violent as this time in my life. I lost respect for my parents for a long while. And on top of that, I constantly saw the lack of motivation in fellow high school students, which have infected my motivation as well. I lost my ambition and focus for the future, and redirected my aspirations for living in the now. I saw change as inevitable, so paid less attention to the future. My academics were never as good since I moved to California. I find studying difficult to do, my attention span short, and my ambition depleted. I don't know what I want to do. I gave up on sciences and then I gave up on academics in general. I resorted to art, the one thing I knew wasn't plummeting in ambition; however I still lack the focus and drive. My current state of "soul searching" is mostly a state of searching for ambition, drive, and focus. And as easy as that may sound, its has been terribly difficult for me in my demoralized and semi-nihilistic state.
Being an art major has been really disappointing to my parents. Every time I go home, they express their disdain for such a major, alluding to the struggles my cousins that also pursued art and suggesting that I go into something medical. In reality, I would do something different other than art... if I wasn't so doubtful in my performance in other areas of academia. Now, I feel lost as to what I should do. I feel like I wasted to much time already, so I need a pause button.  I feel like I need a new direction or find a surge in my drive in my current direction, so I need a go button. I just need to figure things out for myself. Hopefully this disappointment can be reversed; however at this moment, I am lost and I can't trust myself to be sure of my future or my abilities.

I find myself in a position where the only part of me that I can trust is my abilities to be their for others, though I may not always be completely compassionate, and my ability to be bold and courageous, though that wanes a bit with my own disappointment giving up with the military. Hopefully I will find myself soon and become a better person whom I may trust.