Settling

Sorry, this isn't a note about Settlers of Catan, although that is a wonderful game. 

This is about my inability to settle myself.

I rearranged my room definitely over seven times last year. I know I rearranged it twice last semester and again at the beginning of summer. And those are major rearrangement, with furniture shifting about and everything. Besides those major changes, I do a lot of small changes from time to time. I'll move things on shelves around and reorganize them even though I haven't touch them since the last time I reorganized them. I'll put things up on my walls, decorate this and that, place one thing in relation to another. Then in a few months, I'll take those things down off the walls, move decorations around, throw shit out, etc. My room is like one big art installation, constantly being replaced with a new exhibit. I guess its my way to reflect the changes of time and changes in my mind, how I feel at that current point in time. Its also my curiousity of "How can I make this more efficient?" which I apply to more aspects of my life other than my furniture arrangement.

I also cannot settle with my hair. One day it would be shaved. In a few weeks I have a mowawk. Then shaved again. Then flat top. Then shaved again. Then fauxhawk. Then shaved again. And I'm always experimenting with my hair... seeing if this is new... if that works... and whatnot. Over these past few years, I've had some crazy hair experiments, some of which I'm pretty embarrassed about now. But I'm not to afraid initially of embarrassing myself. Humility is something I embrace rather. But I'm always in search of some change for myself. I cannot settle for a haircut that works and get it over and over again. Maybe its because my hair always manages to grow out into a poofy Asian fro, which I don't like very much.

I just can't get myself to get comfortable. Everything becomes stale to me eventually. After that enormous life altering super humongous change of moving away from Ohio to California, it seems like I just keep on searching for changes, addicted to changes, scared of securely establishing myself... because I was so established in Cleveland... and everything I knew and was comfortable with was ripped away from me in one horrific swoop.

Values in Anime

I've been watching a few anime lately. I've noticed that there is a strange hyper emphasis of values that I don't often think about otherwise. Like HONOR and DESTINY and WILLPOWER and DUTY etc.

All the lovey dovey anime I watch reach into the mind of a particular character, and explore his/her thoughts on destiny and fate. Episodes would go on and on, and the character would spend most of that time wondering if their love was meant to be and if some unseen force would magically bring them together. I guess thats was romanticized anime are about, but does anyone honestly think like these people?

lol Actually I believe they do... as absurd as it sounds. I wonder about if some loves of mine were meant to be. Or I would go through that phase of wondering if he love me or not... Yea, I must say, I'm a believer in fate and destiny... but loosely. If something was meant to happen, it would definitely happen... but nothing is quite fixed. Sometimes you have to work for it too.

I guess my concept of destiny is like one of those "choose-your-own-adventure" books. Depending on what you do and decisions you make, you will hit upon different destiny points in a spider web of fate. You wont hit all the destiny points in the web... but some things are meant to be... and some things arent. Iono how to explain my concept of destiny very well, but if you did understand, then you get 9000 points! :)

Another virtue commonly emphasized in anime is duty, honor, and self-worth. Of course, a lot of these anime revolve around bushido or ninjutsu and the honor system of feudal Japan. But its awfully mystifying to think about people... devoting there lives and energies simply for honor or to maintain their sense of responsibility.

Some people know I joined the army back in high school. Not a lot of people know why. It was actually pretty random. Im full of spontaneity. But one of the driving forces for me to actually really sign a bunch of those military papers and go in for real was the idea of honor. I wasnt in there for money or for a career path, although it probably would have helped me if i did stay in the army in those respects. I wasnt in there for the hot guys or to become some buff soldier. I did it mostly for the idea that i should challenge myself and prove to myself that i am of worth... of honor. Before joining the army, i had a conversation with one of my good friends, Leo Hilken, about why he was enthused about going into the army during such a time when war moral was sooo low and the Bush administration was to be doubted. He explained to me that from a very young age, he aspired one thing and that was honor. I guess that was quite inspiring to me. However, after all that, after graduating basic training and some drill at my unit... i voluntarily outed myself to discharge myself. There were a lot of reasons why i discharged myself, mainly due to a lot of internal strife... conflict with integrity and honor and lying to myself and my identity as a "homosexual".  I felt like i wasnt being honorable hiding myself in the military, yet leaving the army, i felt like a coward and a failure... giving up... and ultimately i still lost honor. Its a self inflicting blow that im still trying to get over. These days, i feel like i need to prove my worth again, but i have not yet found my path to doing so...

Anyway. Anime... more than just cartoons. Its art infused with philosophy and virtue.

P.S. At the moment I'm trying to start Naruto, but one of my favorites of all time is the romantic comedy Maison Ikkoku.

The Simple Things

I just want to take this time... to appreciate another wonderful day in my life.

No I didn't win the lottery, nor did I go on a fancy expensive outing, nor a crazy adventure.
On the contrary, it was a day full of simple things...

Yesterday, I was studying with one of my best friends. We talked.  We joked. We laughed. We wrestled, chased, and fought with each other. Yes, he's stronger than me, but he has always been. And we got food together, offered to pay for each other, ate together... played together and worked together. He smiled. I smiled. Simply put... we spent quality time together.

And time is all I ever wanted. I felt SOOO happy, I felt like Agnes when she got that fluffy unicorn.

 AND he offered me a half eaten peach.
I was super giddy inside.
Yup. That made me happier than it probably should have,
But it made me think of something I read about... a story about Duke Ling, a ruler of the northern-central state of Wei (a Chinese empire) from 534 to 493 B.C. One day, a court official, Mizi Xia, gave Duke Ling a half eaten peach, and Duke Ling was like "How sincere is your love for me! You forget your own appetite and think only of giving me good things to eat!" This story becomes like a common allusion for gay love in Chinese literature I guess. And yea... Chinese hystory is full of funny homosexual leaders. hehehe. Anyway, I probably took the whole thing all wrong, but sharing a peach with me is a kind and cute notion nonetheless. I have such an awesome friend.

(The peach story I got from a book Homosexuality and Civilization by Louis Crompton. I thought I'd include this reference because I did write some of the story word for word.)

Note to self: Don't Initiate.

today is thursday. someone hasnt spoken with me since monday.
it doesnt seem like something for alarm. its only been a few days.
and yet i have been really agitated this entire day because of it.
i think my frustration comes from me fighting myself...
so that i can restrain

i told myself "i will not initiate"
it should not be me that always start conversation.
why not? because i want to see if he even wants to talk to me.
sometimes i feel like the friendship is too heavy to one side.
i want it so bad. he doesnt want it at all.
and so i wait to test him...
will he start to talk to me on his own?

and all the while i keep to myself. waiting is my hell
with my burning desires to talk to him.
i check my chat list to see if he is online often... too often
..and if he is online, i wait.
staring at the green, red, yellow icon beside his name.
anticipating for something that seems unlikely...
for him to say hi to me on his own.
and hours maybe pass while i see this colored icon.
and for those hours i sit patiently in agony.
then the icon fades to gray. he is offline.
sadness overwhelms me. he never said a thing to me.
even while offline i fight with myself
restraining myself from texting him.
the resistance is painful, pretty absurd but it is

here ive gone to torture myself. and only a few days have passed.
im pretty sure he can go much longer than i can without talking to each other.
but hopefully i can find myself in this detachment.
in this waiting, i can start to find that he isnt worth my time.
ive given so much to him. obsessively. time and everything.
time is such a precious thing.
and i feel i waste it away...
worrying. torturing myself. over-analyzing. thinking about what ifs.

sigh.

i must say, i realize that many may think of me as a ridiculous fool.
i sweat the small stuff. make a big deal out of nothing.
but all the nothings means a lot to me.
when he doesnt say he love me, i try to find other reasons why i should even bother
i just wish he showed me that he cares a lot for me on his side of this friendship
because keeping this friendship is such hard work for me
i hope its all worthwhile. but im starting to feel like im in vain.
i know i am a fool. im the biggest fool i know.
and yet, i cant help but to love him so much
for reason i dont even know.
i have loved him painfully
since the first day he kissed me.
so i sit here

waiting for him to say something

Jandra Nam

Hmmm. I guess the typical thing to do on a blog is to talk about your own self. However, ima flip it and talk about other people... Important people in my life. And the very first person has to be of course my sister.

Jandra Nam

Lately you've been so far away

Far in Ohio, Far in South Korea, Far traveling the world, Far in Chicago

Far wherever you may be

But there is that constant reminder

That makes me feel like you are still around, Besides seeing your tweets and facebook news feeds

And that constant reminder is

The Moon

La Luna, Vang Trang, Chantra

Glowing above in the dark sky, Looking down upon me, Watching over me
I think of her every time I see the moon, no joke

Gosh you are so motherly, So protective, So bitchy

But I know you do some of those things because

You just care and you love me

Most of the time hahaha

But yea... you had watched over me

Through all my years growing up

Like a second mother

The one that understood the American culture a little bit more

You were the one that showed me

The music that I love

The fun that we can have here in this new world

The risks that we can take

Being bad and being good can coexist in one person

And for that I am grateful that I have you

You are my sister, my mother, and my friend

All in one

Plus a role model.

Its actually sickening to see how much people love her

Shes the family favorite, The community's favorite, Everybody's ideal daughter

She is kind, She is approachable, She seems to care for everyone

And she knows how to kiss ass lol

Always getting more money than me, More presents, More cherish

Im not jealous really

She deserves it more than I do

I cant stand making conversation with old khmer folks

And I cant speak khmer as fluently nor eloquently

Nor am I willing to approach people the way she does

And she had more chores than I did

Cooking and whatnot everyday

And she is the elder one, which means she gets more by default

But I guess she serves as a good model

Someone I look up to

Someone is always better than me

She is a good person to aspire to be

At least I bet her in grades for the most part :P (in primary school)

 Umm I suppose I end this with memories

She had to babysit me when we were younger

I was probably in third grade or something

And she took me with her friends walking to lord knows where iono

I think we walked to Westlake or something

Through brush and along the side of a road

With her friends that smoked cigarettes

And we got lost, so we walked around for a long time

And then she told me to keep it a secret

Not tell Mom

But somehow Mom found out, and boy did we get in HELLA trouble

lol good times

And another times, when she had boyfriends

I would always have to follow her, and be the awkward third wheel

SUPER AWKWARD

nuff said about that
(not Jasper... but like Chan and the other Cambodian guy, I forgot his name, etc.)

And there was this one time

I threw a metal toy car at her

Because I was shouting her name a billion times

And she was totally ignoring me

But the metal car hit her head

And she started bleeding

Im sure she got stupider from that impact

Gosh I was an evil child

And there was this one time

She was sitting on the recliner end of our white leather sofa

And I went and sat on her

And farted

And then she chased me around the house

And beat me

> . <

And there were those good old days

When we would watch Passions, the soap opera

With Mom

And we would eat on the floor in front of the TV

Watching the video tape 

It automatically recorded the show in the day time

While we were at school and Mom was at work

She would be like

"Oh Miguel is so cute."

And Mom would be like

"Louis is so handsome."

And I would sit there, thinking the same things

But I didnt say those things

Because I wasnt out yet. lol

Oh man, that was serious family bonding

Minus Dad

She got a big party for her sweet sixteen

It was at a hall, with all of the khmer community invited

Live band, dancing, food that everyone's mom helped cook

Hella preparation

And I was like... holy shit

"Do I get a party like this when I turn 16?"

Mom told me no, but to make it up, I will get a big graduation party

Then we moved to California

No big party for high school graduation for me

And I highly doubt I will get one for college graduation

Pooooo

And I suppose I'll share one more memory

I had a big crush on a family friend

For like years.... a really really long time

I cant even explain how long it was for me, 

And how painful dealing with unrequited love and many many awkward moments

Especially when this guy had his girlfriend(s) around at family stuff

Later I found out my sister had a thing with him 

Though however brief or vague it may be

Boy not cool, oh well

And there was this one time
We both were at the donut shop working
I insisted that she taste some milk
It was like the left over milk after you finish a bowl of cereal
It was SOOOO good
And I was bugged her to taste it
She wouldn't and tried to push the milk away
I guess I lost grip of the cup
And the milk spilled all over her computer
Completely destroying it
She had to get another computer :(
Yea I know. Im an annoying younger brother

But some of the best times with my sister

Were the small moments

Just hanging out

:)

Thank Jandra
For being such a wonder part of my life
An amazing sister. Role model. Best woman in my life.
Im hella crying right now by the way thinking about how important you are to me.

spit backwards

june 16th: 16 (16 1s) +0
june 30th: 18 (2 5s, 8 1s) +40
july 14th: 0 (no dance) +20
july 21th: 7 (7 1s) +30