Self Protraits

Because I'm weird... really really weird... strange... deranged... queer...

Actually, I did want to say something meaningful. Originally I was going to name this blog "Privacy, The Personal Censorship" To me, the title makes a lot of sense, but its not the easiest thing to explain. But I will try my best.

Let me first talk about music. I know, I know. The huge pictures are distracting... probably making you uncomfortable or maybe too comfortable :P But bare with me. First thing: MUSIC... For me, my tastes in music seems dependent upon my location and my surrounding folks. I had a wide-ish range of music I think. My itunes includes 90s, R&B, pop, dance, Kpop, Jpop, Khmer songs, Viet songs, Hmong songs, Chinese Songs, classical, contemporary classical, classic rock, metal, alternative, punk, folk, disney, anime music scores, musicals, and more. Yikes, reading my blog will probably teach you how to skim read >.<

Anyway, if I'm in Los Banos, I will be more inclined to listen to music that my friend, Allan, plays on his radio and the various rocks that I was introduced to during my years in high school, such as Queen, Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Nirvana, Muse, Dream Theater, Flyleaf, Velvet Revolver, Incubus, etc. However, within the confines of the walls of my parents walls and the donut shop, I will be more incline to actually listen to Khmer music... the classic Khmer oldies of course and a lot of dance music (because I like to dance naked when I'm home alone). With my gay friends, I listen a lot of musicals, dance, house, and asian pop. This is also the same music I prefer to dance to at clubs (minus the musicals). But when I'm with my straight friends, I like their tastes in general pop music, hip-hop, top 40, and indie. The house parties definitely plays a playlist of hiphop and top 40 and hyphe music.

A lot of it is situational, but I also identify music with a certain space. So even, if I'm listening to rock in my apartment in Berkeley, I will still feel a little bit of Los Banos -ness around me. 90s music brings me back to Ohio and my childhood. Khmer music brings me back to the times my mom blasted the Khmer music hella loud so she can hear it while she was in the bathroom, and of course the Khmer party and karaokes.

So whats the point? What does all this music stuff mean? Well, music isn't the only aspect of my life that I feel like is regional and situational. A lot of my photos on facebook are from my college life. Those photos, I'm mostly comfortable with my friends seeing. A lot of my family like my parents and uncles probably wouldn't understand the life I lead in college. But thankfully most of those that fall into that group aren't too facebook savvy. However with my queer friends, I'm a little more... shameless one could say. There's a lot of photos I would feel completely fine with showing my queer friends, but I would be a little embarrassed putting on facebook because I might be perceived as narcissistic, vain, awkward, or creepy.  I don't think Im any of those. I'm just misunderstood :P

I find it interesting how I am not willing to post these photos on facebook, yet I am fine with posting them on queer social networks. This is where the original title "Privacy: the Personal Censorship" should make sense. My privacy does not deals with what I keep to myself, but rather keeping things from certain regions and groups of people. Its feels like I censor my life to groups of people who I do not think can understand. I don't think many could understand how I can be comfortable with dancing half naked in front of hundreds of people for example.

I truly do not believe its because I'm vain. I'm not vain. I'm actually very self conscious of my body. I don't like my skin problems. It feels like I'm fight a war with my face. And I think my chest and arms are too small. Dancing next to big buff guys makes me feel a little more insignificant on stage. But I do what I do because I love to perform. There's something indescribable when I perform, like my soul is on fire...

 

Actually, all of these photos of me comes from me trying to learn photography. Human subjects are my favorite subjects. But I want more than the casual peace sign and smile portraits. I want ART. Bodies warping. Light intensifying. I want the PERFORMANCE. I want the stillness to move and dance. I don't think my photography is there yet, nor are my modeling skills. I'm still learning slowly.

Today, I'm sharing my risque photos with the world, because I don't think I should censor myself anymore. Art should not be censored. If its not understood, that not my problem. It's not a problem at all. Not all arts and performances are understood. But hopefully, someone can see the fire that burns in my heart when I perform and make art. This is my art. Thus the new title: "Self Protraits"

Pleasant Surprises (^.^)

Today was SASC second kick-it. After it was over, I was walking down Sproul when I ran into someone I haven't seen in a long time. I was wearing contacts and it was dark-ish, a combination that makes distant figures difficult to identify, and yet I was able to recognized this person just from the vague outline of his figure. I walked him home do I could drop off some stuff at his place that I was meaning to return to him anyway, and while walking, we talked. It was mostly catching up, some small talk, and a few moments of awkward silence. But somehow, that silence made me kinda happy. It allowed me to just enjoy walking with him and remember the old days. But I know that despite me being okay with the awkwardness... I wasn't sure how he felt. I'm still not sure how he feels about me. There may be a very likely chance he dislikes me a lot and distrusts me, but he is nice to me nonetheless. He is just generally a very nice person. I don't think he could treat anyone unkindly, even if he did not like them. That makes figuring out the situation difficult for me.

I genuinely miss him. That's a fact. Just seeing him again makes me smile uncontrollably. And having him in front of me gives me the biggest urge to hug and squeeze him. But I know I shouldn't do that. He would probably feel really uncomfortable about that. Actually, I don't know how he would feel. I'm not sure how he thinks of me. Therefore, the hugs I give him as tactfully restricted to just quick, light hugs one would typically get... no bear hugs :( It is rather odd... all the feelings I feel when I see him. I don't fully understand them. If I were to try to describe them, I would say that I feel... awkward, tense, distant, and overly cautious, yet I also feel happy, grateful, and nostalgic all at the same time. He awakes dormant feelings I wasn't aware I was keeping. And all the while, I try to play it cool and calm.

It's horrible. When I see him, I always feel ashamed. Most of the regrets I have to this day all deal with this guy. I have treated him so poorly that I'm surprised he doesn't try to keep 30 feet away from me when I'm around. I wouldn't blame him if he tried to shot me for all the mean things I've said and terrible things I've done. But when I see him, I try not to think of those depressing times, and just enjoy the happy memories and present moment. Its difficult to completely ignore all the bad stuff though. I know there is still tension. Its pulls...

I wish I saw him more. The whole time walking with him, I wanted to ask him if he would like to grab a beer and chat or something. I would like to hang out with him like that sometime. But the truth of the matter is... I don't know where I stand with him and how he views me. I hope one day, the tension will be gone and we can be good friends. I do still care for him and appreciate how greatly he has impacted my own life. Without him, I would be a very different person. Running into him today, despite the slight awkwardness, was truly a pleasant surprise.

Another pleasant surprise... Ryan Quan video chatting with me for a little bit before he went to sleep. It was a little notion that meant a lot to me. I love the randomness and small things that say "I'm your friend." But ewww I don't like how my skin problems look worse on webcam. gosh >.< Anyway,  Ryan is definitely a dear friend that I adore. Thanks for the love, man.

Funny how the unexpected happens...

like someone getting shaved by someone else in my room with an audience of three other guys... random shit