Note to self: Don't Initiate.

today is thursday. someone hasnt spoken with me since monday.
it doesnt seem like something for alarm. its only been a few days.
and yet i have been really agitated this entire day because of it.
i think my frustration comes from me fighting myself...
so that i can restrain

i told myself "i will not initiate"
it should not be me that always start conversation.
why not? because i want to see if he even wants to talk to me.
sometimes i feel like the friendship is too heavy to one side.
i want it so bad. he doesnt want it at all.
and so i wait to test him...
will he start to talk to me on his own?

and all the while i keep to myself. waiting is my hell
with my burning desires to talk to him.
i check my chat list to see if he is online often... too often
..and if he is online, i wait.
staring at the green, red, yellow icon beside his name.
anticipating for something that seems unlikely...
for him to say hi to me on his own.
and hours maybe pass while i see this colored icon.
and for those hours i sit patiently in agony.
then the icon fades to gray. he is offline.
sadness overwhelms me. he never said a thing to me.
even while offline i fight with myself
restraining myself from texting him.
the resistance is painful, pretty absurd but it is

here ive gone to torture myself. and only a few days have passed.
im pretty sure he can go much longer than i can without talking to each other.
but hopefully i can find myself in this detachment.
in this waiting, i can start to find that he isnt worth my time.
ive given so much to him. obsessively. time and everything.
time is such a precious thing.
and i feel i waste it away...
worrying. torturing myself. over-analyzing. thinking about what ifs.

sigh.

i must say, i realize that many may think of me as a ridiculous fool.
i sweat the small stuff. make a big deal out of nothing.
but all the nothings means a lot to me.
when he doesnt say he love me, i try to find other reasons why i should even bother
i just wish he showed me that he cares a lot for me on his side of this friendship
because keeping this friendship is such hard work for me
i hope its all worthwhile. but im starting to feel like im in vain.
i know i am a fool. im the biggest fool i know.
and yet, i cant help but to love him so much
for reason i dont even know.
i have loved him painfully
since the first day he kissed me.
so i sit here

waiting for him to say something